MY CONVERSATION TO GOD

Me :- God, My depression is a shape shifter

One day, it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear and next day it’s a bear

On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone and I call the bad days, the dark dayer

God :- says ,try lighting candles

Me :- When I see a candle , I see the flesh of a church the flicker of a flame, sparks of a memory younger than noon

I am standing behind her open casket

Is it the moment I learn every person I over come to know will someday die, My happiness is always temporary. One day, I will laugh than will have to cry.

I’m not afraid of the dark perhaps, that’s part of the problem

God:- I thought the problem was that you cant get out of bed

I can’t

Anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, Inside of my head

God says, where did anxiety comes from?

Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town. depression felt obligdated to bring to party.

God, I am a party only, I am a party and I don’t want to be at

God says why don’t you try going out of actual parties see your friends?

Sure ,I make plans!

I’ll definitely gonna make plans but don’t want to go. I make plans, because I know I should want to go. I know sometimes I would have wanted to go, it’s just not that much fun having fun. When you don’t want to have fun, God.

You see God, each night insomnia sweeps me up in its arms dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stoves lights. Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon felt like the perfect company.

God says, why don’t you Try to count sheeps?

But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake. So, I roam around. But my stuttering kneecaps clanks like silver spoons held in strong arms with the loose wrists. The ring in my ears like clumsy church bells reminding me I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness I cant baptize myself in.

God says, being Happy is a decision but my happy is as hollow as a pin-pricked egg. My happy is a high fever that will break.

God says, I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying. No! I am afraid of living

GOD I am lonely!

I think I learned when I met with my accident how to turn anger in to loneliness, the lonely into busy. So, when I tell you I have been super blur lately I mean I have been falling asleep, watching movie on the couch to avoid confronting the empty side of my bed but my depression always drags me back to bed until my bones are forgotten the fossils of a skeleton sunken city my mouth a boneyard of teeths broken from biting down on themselves. The hollow auditorium of my chest.

Swoons with echoes of a heart beat but I am a careless tourist here. I will never truly know everywhere I have been.

God still don’t get it.

GOD, Cant you see that or neither can I ?

 

-Jhanvi bittharia